The bone in the stone wall
In the studio. Hat on, its cold, but the radiator is warming up fast. I drove over the hills to avoid the traffic light jam. The horses in the field by the stone wall were siluated against misty fog and stark sun, all in contrast, I thought to stop and take a picture but I drove on.
Naoise was as tired as ever this morning, despite my efforts to try and get him to sleep earlier. Its hard, very hard, this gap between the needs of a 14 year old child and a 6.5 child. P helped though, he helped by doing some bike restoration work with Syd.
We managed at least to sit on the sofa and watch Doctor Who altogether. I had to fight for that. I lost my rag with Syd after he had hassled me continually all weekend about an over priced coat. He swore and shouted, I swore and shouted. We both apologised. I should have known better but I have my limits.
So we sat on the sofa and watched Doctor Who. Just to sit together is good. Just about enough to stick our lives together. Sofa sitting, tv watching.
I read lots of books to Naoise, Peter Rabbit, The Magic Fish, The Shape Game, The Quangle Wangle Quee. He had two rounds of yoghurt and milk supper. When at last I had settled him down he still wanted more to eat. I said NO YOU ARE NOT HUNGRY YOU ARE TIRED AND YOU NEED TO GO TO SLEEP.
The problem with the night time routine is that I seem to be more exhausted than the children. My last story was a made up, about Angus, Lotty and Lucy Loo who all live on a croft in the the far west of Scotland. The lights were off, and as I was telling the story I found that my own voice was sending myself to sleep. I kept loosing the thread of the story and it deteriorated into nonsense.
This morning, I left the house in a complete pickle. Laundry not hung out. Washing up undone.
The star chart is a good thing. Naoise is responding well to positive reinforcement. I had forgotten how good a star chart is. He brushed his teeth for three stars. We got to school on time.
This afternoon I will go into Naoise school to do some reading with the children in his class. I am looking forward to it. I am hoping that some focused voluntary work will help me find some paid work.
I decided against going to the friendship group at the Sure Start centre. I wanted to go but I don’t think I have the time. I am still helping my older friend who has moved into his new home and I am picking up the pieces after P and all his full time work and part time work. Its good to know what your priorities are. Family, art, finding paid work, helping friends. Just juggling all these responsibilities and duties is enough. I may go back, I just need to breath today, have this time in my studio to think, order, list, plan, do.
I write lists and lists of to do, it would be good to start ticking off jobs rather than being stuck in the mud of mundane nothingness.
I watched the moon eclipse. It was lovely. If it had not been a school day today I would have given into my temptation to wake you all by phoning !! xx
Reflections and mediations recorded on my mobile phone.
Caw, caw, chatter, chatter, chatter.
Lying in the green grass, the sun, the sun in September, late September, it is so warm, I can feel freckles forming on my face.
I saw the a hip bone of a sheep built into a stone wall. A bone in a stone wall.
Dogs barking. The grass is green, emerald green. The birds. A bee. It feels like a summers day, not an autumn day. A cricket chirps. This is the 28th of September. No its the 27th September.
What am I thinking?
The windmills on the moors are turning slowly around. I was listening and I heard a wood pecker tapping in the woods. It might have been a woodpecker or just a bird tapping at the wood.
Sydney rang he has made some money from his busking and has become quite obsessed with wanting to buy a new coat.
I am glad that I am lying in the sunshine, it is sooooo warm. I am glad I am here not making those decisions. Patricks got the kids today, they have gone into town. I hate shopping. I hate everything it stands for. Yes there are things we need and then there are things we really don’t need, and on a day like this I am happy that I am lying here in the sunshine.
People pass by. I decide to talk to them. Its like a summers day I say. Yes, its beautiful, they agree.
There are lines chased in the sky by aeroplanes. There are lines. There are aeroplanes shooting up like rockets.
All is still and calm and green and blue and warm. Everyone is making the most of it because it will become dark and wet and freezing and hail, the leaves will fall off the trees, this is the turning of the year. The turing time. For it is still beautiful.
The leaves are green, turning to brown, crisping, getting ready to drop. A bee. A bee goes past, I am lying in the grass. How lucky am I to be lying in the grass. You can feel the earth, it is hard under my legs and body. I am on my own. How strange it is to be on my own. Always WITH the children. WITH or WITHOUT the children.