Started sunny, now cloudy, overcast, grey and cold, and its almost the end of May. I wish for sunshine and warmth. I am writing this sat on the sofa with a blanket on my knew.
Naoise is watching Twirlywoo’s …he is happy, I can hear him giggling in the upstairs bedroom. Finally I have completed the presentation, its been impossibly challenging to select words and pictures from six months worth of production. It has been impossibly challenging to even get the work done. It probably needs more editing, more refining, but I cannot give it any more time now. Need some fun, some rest. Need to put away the screens. Cannot live life behind a glass screen, I am skin and bone and flesh and so is my beloved Naoise.
Had a really interesting conversation with Naoise this morning before breakfast:
Naoise: Mummy when are you going to stop working ?
Me: I know its boring isn’t it, I am fed up with it too, soon….
Naoise: What is it that you are doing Mummy? Is that where you are putting all the breakfast photographs?
Me: Yes, not just the breakfast photographs, there are lots of you on the blog, I write about me and you everyday, thats partly why I am going to London, to talk about what I have been doing.
Me: Look do you want to see?
Ok…though I think he probably is not that interested. I pause at an image that I have taken of him having a tantrum. I can see his face wincing at the photograph of him clutching tight of the chair rails on the ground, and yelling with upset and anger.
Naoise: Delete it mummy.
Me: Why do you feel I should delete it Naoise ?
Naoise: Because it is embarrassing.
Me: Mmmm I can understand that, I can see why you would feel that way, but shall I read what I have written ? See its not meant to be hurtful or shameful, I just want to show life as it is. Tantrums are very very commonplace. I can see him thinking. I really love you Naoise, I love you even when you get angry and frustrated and have Tantrums.
Naoise: Not sure if I have convinced him that this situation, of me using this image of him is ok.
Maybe I am not being as respectful as I could be of him and his needs. Maybe I will regret what I have done when I look back at all of this. Is this really worth it ? Is it bringing us together or pushing us all apart. If it was someone else turning the camera on me, photographing me in a rage, I wouldn’t be happy I think I would be embarrassed too. Maybe I would be more than embarrassed, I would feel betrayed.
Have I betrayed my family in my desire to tell life just as it is ?
I think I have but I keep on…..I keep on….
I can see why there are sensitivities around artists photographing their children and it is something to do with permission, and choice. Children have rights too…..but this is all done out of love I mean no harm to anyone. I am trying to push forward find a new, make observations. The art making really is nothing at all about nurture and everything to do with arranging pictorial space, capturing a moment, sharing it with others, finding a deeper understanding…of my own life and that of others.