Fight the power

07.54 (alarm sounded at 6.45am probably should have switched it off)

I bored the pants off my gorgeous partner yesterday, talking about rejection and trying to understand where it is that I am going wrong, why I am struggling to get any success with the opportunities that I am applying for. Unpicking how people think, how selection processes work, personal and political agendas.

I am an artist a mother and a feminist. I think that my work does push boundaries and does work from within a feminist framework, and that it is of a high quality. I value the work that I make and I know that others do too. What I cannot comprehend then is why it gets rejected from those opportunities that are forged from within an established feminist discourse.

It was suggested to me that I am an outsider. Perhaps I am an outsider.

I thought that feminism was about diversity, supporting others, reaching out, holding hands together, making headway as a group strengthened by their solidarity. I thought that it was about representing work that is challenging, and that for what ever reason struggle’s to get seen. I thought that it was about breaking down power structures, reaching beyond the self, the ego, reaching out to others.  I thought that it was about working towards equality for all. I thought that it wasn’t about quality control or boundaries, I thought that it was about raising consciousness and a voice about being inclusive. I thought that it was about love and respect. Sisters who rejected me, I am disappointed.

I must move on though, be positive, remember that this is about patience and perseverance and that just  because your doors slam shut in my face, it does not mean that other doors will not swing open, let me in, except my thoughts, ideas, and questions.

I am good at DIY and working outside of the establishment. I will gather up my troops and soldier on. I have already scribbled down at least five projects that I would like to instigate. Its not that I don’t have the imagination, the ideas, the passion and the know how, its just that I feel tired and worn down,  I have less time than perhaps I once did. Not just time but head space. Not just head space but money to help make the ideas a reality. Its harder when you are a mother when you have responsibilities outside of your arts practice. It does make things trickier. Perhaps I am just making excuses. Perhaps I am loosing the will to fight. Perhaps today, this week I just feel done in, its the half term after all and I am juggling too many balls at once. I am not that good at juggling.

My eldest son sang his heart off at a gig last night. He is a singer song writer, he has passion originality, a beautiful sweeping voice, varied, full of emotion and power. He inspires me. His strength, his perseverance, his modesty. He loves what he does and he just stands up and gets on with it. I need to look to him and follow his example. This is the track that he was playing in the car on our journey to his gig.





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