Archive for : December, 2015

Non-Resolutions

Inspired by the brilliant Story of Mum and a bog post that she shared by :

When I walk. Walk in the wind, the rain, the sun, the ice, the snow, the fog, the nothing  and just enjoy. Make sure I don’t take a smart phone with me and just enjoy the moment.

Make time to be with my children and facilitate them with their creative projects.

Be grateful for what I have.

Perform random acts of kindness.

Try to be positive.

Forgive.

Be proactive, help your family, friends and community.

Listen.

Make homemade gifts and cards.

Take time out for yourself.

Learn new things.

Teach the children to help out more with domestic tasks.

Go on adventures, find new places and museums and art galleries.

Support the creative work of your friends.

Draw, paint, make, write, think, read, walk, play.

Make healthy dinners.

 

Daisies in December

11.50am ( sat on the sofa)

Naoise and his friend bend over to pick daisies from a small clutch on top of the hill. He runs to me with his tiny bouquet of daisies. He hands them to me. I love being given flowers picked by my son.

The weather is completely confused, El Nino they call it. I have never seen daisies growing in December. This is my first bunch of christmas daises.

I talk to my brother via Skype I see sunlight streaming in through his kitchen window. He lives in the North of Spain. He tells me that there is no winter. He tells me how strange it is. He tells me stories of forest fires raging on the hills.

The flood came. It was like armageddon. The river rose and rose and raged and raged. The train track became a river. The power went out. The cars on the road stopped moving. The roads impassable. We stayed inside all day, it wasn’t safe to go out.

We watched pictures of flood devastation via social media.

P and Syd went into town to see if they could help alleviate the flood but it was futile. One boy, one man and one orange bucket cannot stop the floods.

Yesterday P helped clean out a factory that had been affected. We washed some friends towels. I probably should be doing something to help instead of sitting here on my arse, but I need a rest. I need a rest. I facilitated P helping out by looking after N. My conscience says I could do more. Guilt.

Don’t feel very well. Sluggish. Missing Syd, he is at his dads.

Syd has organised to play a benefits gig with his band.

Last night I helped N to make a clay bowl and cup. He loves pottery. He was inspired by a television programme. He is trying to put into practice all that he learnt from observing others making. He presses his thumb into the top of the handle.

This project is fizzling out. Running dry. Lost my love of it. Almost new year now. Mum up north, seen little of my family over this festive period. It always feels sad. Our family. Our family. Christmas suggests that is what you should be doing. But I never see my parents for more than a day over the holidays. I seem to see them less and less. The children miss them. Its to be expected. Not seeing them. The North of Scotland is a long long way from where we live.

I worry about the valley and all these floods. The community is brilliant and resilient and caring, but the floods will come back. The world is ill. This is global warming. The government do nothing. Nothing. People look and stare and are horrified. Nature is strong. Nature is violent. Humans care, but we need to care as much about nature as we care for each other. This is a partnership.

I have never seen daisies growing in December before.

On Christmas eve there were hail stones. I danced in the street. I wondered if I would ever see ice or snow or hail ever again.

Head numb. One hangover rolls into the next…..I miss Syd. I miss Syd. I hate it when he is away. I stop in shock. I miss my son. I miss my son.

Dream. rest. drem. rest.

Days to get lighter

8.39pm ( sat on the sofa)

Today will be lighter. Yesterday was the winter solstice. Today will be lighter because Syd has done his gig so won’t be hyper or stressed or excited anymore. Him and his band were really amazing. It was exciting to see them play and be in the crowd with all the community. Andy Kershaw and his dog came out to support Syd, how brilliant is that. It was a proud mum moment.

Me and Naoise hid behind the chairs, put ourselves in the background. Naoise was delighted when his friends came in the pub. They played with his new thunder birds toys and drew and had fun.

Mum won’t be coming up to visit us again over the christmas period, she has hurt her leg, pulled ligaments falling over in a gorse bush. Very bad timing.

My brain is already dead from childcare. We got in late late late last night after a drink at my friends house after the gig….I drank tea.

What is there to say?

We head towards the 25th. Naoise is so excited. He jumps on my back eats his advent calendar chocolate, tells me how many days are left.

I bought one free range chicken and some cranberry sauce……I will do the rest of our grocery shop this evening. The local super market stays open till midnight. I try to make christmas a modest affair. I went shopping once. I hated it. Shopping feels evil and wasteful and wrong and leaves me feeling stressed.

The glut of christmas is unappealing. I like the story telling, the magic making, the cracker pulling, but I am not at all religious. Peace and joy and goodwill to all mankind would be great though.

The news is full of stories of refugees fleeing from war and violence, the biggest movement of displaced people since the end of the second world war.

The snow hasn’t come. The cold hasn’t come. The ice hasn’t come.

I did see three deer on a walk last week, that felt seasonal. Christmas becomes more and more of a fiction. Is the snow man extinct?

Its a clear day. Naoise friend is coming to play today, least he won’t be lonely. We tried to find a friend for him yesterday, he made me ring all my friends mobile and landlines before giving in.

No rain today. Blue clear sky. Cars frantic movements on the road outside. The chug of the radiator.

P finishes work today. I will be glad of some help with the house the children and general family maintenance.

 

Dead of night

3.22 am ( sitting on the sofa)

Coat on its cold down here. Sleep broken by Syd sounding distressed in his sleep. He went to the toilet. My head hurts, too many different kinds of drink at the solstice party. Note to sleep must drink more adams ale than alcohol.

DSC_7828

Silent road. Silent washing machine. Silent night. All is calm all is bright, around yon Virgin mother and child. Tis the season to be jolly, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

We drew pictures of ourselves and we all wrote letters to santa asking for our hearts desire.

Syd was suspicious of my family portrait drawing exercise…..we are only doing this so you can use it in your art project. 

……….my friend’s fridge magnet spoke truisms if we desire nothing then we free our minds……………

Me and P went for a walk in the woods with the truculent elderly dog. The sky was aqua marine. The red of the sun reflected in the windows of Ted Hughes home. Naoise played with my friends children .

When we got back to her house, the children made lots of noise on guitars and drums and electric piano.

The drop in party between a fixed time frame is a great model for socialising. I want to do this too. A really cool party was on my santa list.

We watched a cute animation about a business man teaching a blue baby bird to fly and then an episode of The Mighty Boosh. Naoise liked it.

P does not finish work until Wednesday, so I have the children on my own for a few days.

The house is looking cleaner for my efforts. Writing this had become a dissertation. Too much analyses. Too much word typing and not enough looking up from the screen. N hasn’t been asking for the iPad as much since I made an effort to do more with him. Engage him.

 

This art project has not always been a friend. At times it has become monster. A nasty mirror of my mind. A place to spill. Its sometimes best not to cross boundaries between public and private. Perhaps boundaries are very important. What happens when we try to dissolve them ? Do you feel uncomfortable?

I am glad that I don’t have to wake the children to rush them to school in the morning. I am glad that the school gates remain locked. It is the boundaries time.

Its too warm. Its too warm. Winter is snow. Winter is snow. Winter is cold. Winter is ice. Winter is putting on coats and hats and glove and scarves. Winter is bleak not warm.

All the lines of stuffed santa and snowmen and excess. Consumerism is not christmas. Peace and love and kindness to all mankind is Christmas.

I miss mum and dad, and my sisters and brother. I miss being together. I don’t like this fragmentation. This un-togetherness. What is Christmas? All the ghosts of the past Chrismas. I remember the sad year my Grannie died. My heart broken mother weeping. My mother lying in bed inconsolably sad. I always remember this. We need to cherish each day, each time spent with each other. Christmas expects idealism, the virgin, the child.

The mother wrapping parcels, keeping house, negotiating conflict, keeping togetherness.

I love my family, my two boys and my man. We are family. We are family. Its not perfect, its far from it. There is bickering and raised voices and the attempt at calm. There is competition between children and children winding each other up and competing for our attentions.

It is blissful when it works. When we sit on the sofa watching TV together, walk together, laugh together, draw together……..but tother does not always work. The house holds us close. We live in a sliver of a home. One room and kitchen downstairs. There is not much space to escape.

S spent the day asking with a friend. When I get back from the party, I see a pale teenager. I see a teenager that looks stressed with bags under his eyes. He push, push pushes me. I don’t give up. I don’t give up.

The children do help with the house work. N hoovers the rug. S reluctantly dries up dishes, ever so slowly, ever so slowly.

Remain calm. Diffuse conflict. Be consistent. Listen. Empathy. Structure. Boundaries. Love. Cuddles. Love. Play. Listen. Laugh. Encourage. Give voice to others. Provide a place.

Its later. Its later this morning. I need to go back to bed. Back to bed.

Try to engage the children in the last days of this project……what do they want this space to be?  How do we represent us? How to make this less threatening? Collaboration. Collaboration. How to collaborate with my family? Not me and them. US. How to make US work together? How to encourage us to work together? Do they want to play? Would they rather I just downed the writing and the art and just was with them in the now? Is the art worth it? Is it better just to be. To be.

(inage: all the family portraits). …….

No snow

12.32 am (midnight not today or tomorrow)

Spray on snow decorating window panes. Reindeers pulling santa sleighs. Snowmen. Snowballs. No snow. No snow.

Removing nits one by one from the nape of Naoise’s neck. They are foul, it is war. War on nits. The horrid things have irritated his skin and his head is full of scabs. Poor little child. War begins with tea tree conditioner and a new super duper comb tomorrow, or Monday when the chemist is open.

The unseasonal weather means that I feel not at all festive.

Today was good, saw my family. Ate mince pies and brandy butter. Decorated the house with plastic. Bad music played by small people strumming guitars and banging and blowing recorders.

Exchanged presents.

Wrapped presents for P’s family.

Made CD’s of Naoise singing carols.

Cleaned bathroom. Cleaned front room. Cleaned kitchen floor. Noticed the build up of black mold. All is damp and too warm and grey and dark.

The darkest day tomorrow. The winter solstice, then the light will slowly return little by little day by day.

Read an article about the El Nino effect. Swallowed worry and thought about our beautiful world and all the beautiful people and our constant denial.

I miss the ice and wind and cold and sledging. The unseasonal weather is unsettling.

 

 

Cut finger clean shelves and china

20.05pm ( at the table)

Phewwww I am tired. Cut my finger cleaning bits of broken china. I think I remember cutting my finger on the same pieces of broken china last time I did a spring clean. Open shelves in the kitchen are pretty to look at but the grease and the grime and the spiders and the webs build up quickly.

Naoise is eating basmati rice in a bowl on the sofa, he has dropped a tiny bit and is picking rice grains off the blue fleecy blanket.

Syd is back from band practice with his friends. P is being difficult and moody with me. Ahhhhh I hate living in a family sometimes. Sometimes I would love to be responsibility free. Twenty ish again. Oh the parties I would have. How busy we think we are before we have children. How beautifully naive.

Dreamt I lived in a house on a cliff over looking Sennon beach. The garden was too dangerous for the children to play in. I dreamt of rescuing puppies and kittens from rocks and waves.

I looked after my friends puppy. I took it for a walk. The ground of wet and muddy. The puppy did’nt want to walk in the rivers. The rivers must have been icy cold. Saw three Ro deers running on the hill.

P is about to go out to get a friend to mend Syd’s electric guitar, I am guessing its a night in on my own again. The days are long. The days are long caring for children. He takes beer, I doubt he will be back soon. I will be on the night time routine, as per usual.

Daddy, daddy……………….

Syd in and out the shower….no just getting in…ahhhhhh the music sounds the beginning of the shower.

P leaves, I don’t feel like kissing him goodbye. I will go out Friday. I will go out. I will relinquish responsibility. Childcare is endless, endeless.

N: Its a tripod camera, its a tripod camera. 

N: Can I put a bandage on mum.

Me: No

N: Please.

N:Can I have a hot chocolate.

Me: Yes. 

No time to write this…..catering for children needed….always needed. Its better to be needed than not.

Seeing through the fog.

20.13pm ( sat on the sofa)

Syd getting out of the shower. P playing chess with N, wish it was read a book, but I am not complaining, I actually have a free moment. I am writing this in secret. The washing machine chugs around.

What to say? The walk in the fog was slow but good. I saw shifting clouds fuzzy like pastel smudged on paper. I saw two magpies, a crow, a wren…I saw a grey squirrel..some workmen fixing up a big house on top of the hill. I saw dew dangling like jewels on wool and empty branches.

Walking makes it all seem ok. Its all ok.

schoolinpuddle

Admired a friends creative project and drank hot chocolate with brandy to celebrate. Fog. Fog. Cold, dark, damp. Collected Syd. Collected note from GP. Dealt with a tantrum over crackers in the budget supermarket, nearly had a nervous breakdown in the carpark struggling with child, tantrum and shopping. Did’nt cope well got stressed about cars and Naoise misbehaving and it was horrid.

Later N was vert very good and helpful and I forgot the incident before.

pram

Syd normal cheeky self. Soon the school will break up, I need it to end, he is restless and tired and behaving erratically.

Friend came around with keys so I can look after her dog tomorrow. Looking forward to some company on my walk. May go over the tops in Walsden….not sure yet.

Washing machine comes to the end of its cycle. No more energy to write.

Beep beep beep. ….beep beep beep….

Blocked off canal path and plastic bag

14.07pm (sat on the sofa)

Just spoke to mum and before that P. Mum sounded tired, she is having her home re-roofed and it does sound stressful, though I do struggle to identify with her sometimes. Everything always sounds like a chore. I kept saying but it will be much better when it is done. I guess she is fed up with the whole process, its slow and messy and stressful.

Walking back from the meeting with the friendship group I rebelled and took the path that has been blocked off by the environment agency. This act of rebellion involved a precarious route holding on to the metal fencing that was blocking the main path, I had about 10 cm of grass to negotiate. I kept thinking I might slip into the poo brown canal water, but I didn’t. I was triumphant. I couldn’t see why the path even needed to be blocked off, there was no building work actually taking place on it.

I am determined when someone says you cannot do something to find a way around it. I like being adventurous and rebellious even if that defiance is only to walk a public path that has been blocked off.  I did it, I did it.

I haven’t anything new to say. I have been thinking about ending this writing. I have become to reliant on the screen to sooth me. The screen draws you in. Connections, real connections are made in the real world. Its good to start a conversation here, a thought, but its what happens in the 3D world of now that gets noticed.  I am wondering what I will do next. I look at the house, its neglected and I think I have neglected myself and the family by focusing on this project. You don’t have to record and document everything. To really enjoy something you have to let it float by on the river or be carried off by a cloud.

I take all that I have for granted. I need to be more grateful. I need to concentrate my efforts on my friends and family and near ones. I need to move forward. I need to be more physical and more visual. I need to stop worrying about what I haven’t done and look at what I do do. I need to accept the passage of time. I need to try and enjoy this day, this moment. The tree in the corner of the room, decorated by my son. The busy messiness of family life. The messiness of a full life lived. A tidy home isn’t necessarily a happy home, but a caotic home isn’t either. Need to try and find some balance. Need to run again, I liked the running, it sorted out my head, it stopped me from thinking. Need to buy new trainers to run the hills. You can always start again, thats what is good about a new year, it invites reflection it provides a beginning.

Pick up Syd soon and need to drop off the bill. Then I will collect Naoise, take him to a party. Then I will take Syd to guitar lesson. Back home, cook dinner, get kids ready for bed, collapse on sofa.

Each day is pretty much the same…….today I have enjoyed taking the path that said it was blocked and finding that I could get through……..thats what I need to do with my stubborn head. I need to keep pushing through, finding a new path. Excepting that this is today….but there is a different route that I could take tomorrow if I try. Small steps. Small steps.

Pointless

9.15 am ( sat on the sofa in the front room)

It all feels pointless. This seems pointless. I have toiled and laboured and maintained this project and now it is almost done, it feels disappointing and pointless. Yet if I have a day when I don’t manage to write I feel that I am floating. Floating in meaningless.

I have been eating and drinking too much. I don’t feel at all well. The perpetual rain. The nothingness. Trying to find meaning in my pointlessness.

The tree that P has bought in from the allotment stands tall in the corner of the front room, decorated with owls and robins and penguins and paper stars and angels that the children have made.

Yesterday I bought a few small gifts for my nieces and nephews. I only buy gifts for the children. Christmas is for them not us. All the flood sirens went off, Walsden, Todmorden, Hebden Bridge. We got back by driving over the top road. The road down was a river, dangerous and slippy and steep.

I have become slow, slow, slow. The year is almost up. We made a recording of Naoise singing Silent Night and Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer for the grandparents. I like to make things. I like to beat the capitalist christmas. Peace and love and goodwill to all mankind.

The garage did’nt charge me for sorting out the car doors that were jammed with seat belts. It was such a relief, I had wondered where I would find the money to pay for car maintenance a couple of weeks before christmas. I am not prepared for this seasonal time of year. I am behind. Behind.

Naoise is snoozing in bed. P is snoozing in bed. Must get on and prepare something, must not give in to my depression. Weak, no energy, pointless. Pointless.

Loosing faith

16.54pm (writing sat on the sofa drinking tea munching short bread biscuits all dark, very dark)

The washing machine is chugging. I am loosing faith in this project. What did I think that I would achieve by writing every day for a year? I have achieved an even messier house and a lot of words and images that I am not sure what to do with. I am really looking forward to stopping this. It has been a strain. I don’t think that it has been helpful to my health and wellbeing. Running and walking are. Making art are. Doing something outside of myself is.

Beep beep beep calls the tumble dryer…must attend it is very instant…beep beep beep again.

I have achieved some tasks today. Helped a friend..tick. Given Syd some nurturing time….tick….Made Syd dinner…tick….spoken to the secondary school about some concerns..tick….taken Syd to the GP…tick…..shopping…tick…bought some seasonal treats, christmas pudding, mince pies, cheese biscuits. Buying a few luxuries a little at a time. Made room for the tree in the front room which involved moving all of the furniture around. It is a work of art making space for a tree in my titchy front room….tick…tick..hoovering tick….

Boring, boring…..Naoise at his friends. So will put my feet up a while before I need to make the dinner.                 P been doing loads of overtime so not seen him since the weekend.

Nice to be sitting in a slightly tidier home.

Naoise went to school in his diy school shirt today…..refused to play along with the schools christmas jumper plan for economic, ethical and environmental reasons. Wrote letter of concern to school about the excessive promotion of consumerism to our children. Felt better. Await reply.