What next ?
7.16am ( sat at the table up since 5.45am)
I am really fed up. I have bitten all my nails off, I am afraid to stand on the scales in the bathroom because I keep eating and eating and eating. I am depressed. I am depressed with the continuous rain. I am depressed with uncertainty and unemployment. I am depressed with being depressed. I need to run or walk or draw these feelings out. I need to turn disappointment into determination, creativity and positivity. I am all out of ideas of how to turn my life around.
I had hoped that at the end of this project there would be a small silver lining, but not yet, not yet. I keep questioning where it is I am going wrong, what have I done, what am I not doing, what is it that I need to do to change things. Volunteer, retrain, study more……except that this is the situation and that no matter what I do I can’t change it? Apparently life brings choices. That there is always a route out, things that we can do. I am privileged. I am educated. I have experience. Do I except that my role of mother and an artist is enough? Except dependence? Except that I am not economically viable?
Red sky in the morning shepherds warning. Lines of red and blue skip across the roof line and the hill brow. It actually isn’t raining. I doubt the dry will last for long, more rain is forecast.
The local park has become a boating lake. The rivers are full to the brim. The fish must be tumbling around like the laundry in my machine. Apparently you cannot get to Hebden Bridge as the Calis Bridge broke an flooded the road. There are sandbanks and flood gates attached to the houses in the vulnerable areas. I have heard of flooded cellars in business properties but as yet no homes that I know of have been affected.
I got up early. Tidied the bathroom, washed up the plates and pans and mugs and utensils from the night before. I put on a load of washing. I got Naoise dressed in his sleep. I loved watching his legs and feet stretch as I removed his pyjama bottoms to put on his grey school trousers.
I ordered two second hand Moomin books; Moominland in November and Comet over Moominland. Whilst I await the arrival of these books I decided to read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to Naoise. I have a lovely copy with coloured images in it. Dahl, Morpurgo, Pullman and Jansson are my favourite childrens authors. I love this age. I love reading to my children. It is by and far one of my favourite parenting activities.
I asked friends on Facebook to send me words to describe rain. There is so much rain in the valley I felt I needed a downpour of language to describe it.
All the words and phrases to describe rain
Heavy drops snaking down the glass,
Smattering, misling, translucent riverlets,
Shimmering droplets pausing on soaked surfaces,