The cloudy periscope and the lonely playground

18.36am ( at the table)

Naoise and Patrick watching cities of gold. Naoise reminds me that the incas are even older than me!

The dinner is cooking in the pan. Just enough time to type this before I need to put the spaghetti on. Its been a perfectly lonely day with Naoise. I have spent many lonely days with children. There is nothing different about this one.

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Naoise made a friend in the park. I stared into space and managed one conversation with a stranger who rebuffed me and one with an x work colleague of Patricks. I was in a strange park. Shibden Park Strange.

I wrote some notes in the park on my smart phone. I don’t have much time for this. My lonely day is about to end. I am going out with my favourite local women mother friends. We will have fun.

Breastfeeding woman and toddler. The crocheted bonnet slips over the babies face and the baby is not happy. The baby is crying, the mother is oblivious. I point out to her that the hat is over the babies eyes. She is juggling a two year old as well as her new born. Wow what a lot of work. She does not want to talk to me, even when I pay the crocheted hat compliments. She looks at me with suspicion. I have a child, I have a scooter in my hand, I am not strange. She has no time to chat with me.

She breast feeds her baby on the bench.

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Loneliness in the park, scooters, bikes, grey overcast sky and yellow ochre. Darkening time. Halloween. The aisles of the supermarket are full of plastic tat, glow up wands, pumpkins that sing, witches outfits, glitter, slime, purple and orange and lime. A child in the park has a plastic zombie mask. It is scary.

Naoise makes a friend with a child who is seven and a whole head size bigger than him. Naoise cannot wait to be seven, he is counting down the months. He tells the seven year old boy how many months he has to wait to be a magic seven.

I got one rejection email from the interview I went to, but I got another job application in, I hope I get another interview, I want this job, I need this job, it has my name written on it.  This job would save us from Saturday arguments. It would save us from blaming each other for the house looking a mess and the lack of money. It takes all my effort to apply for jobs. There is mess. Mess is a consequence.

My friend saved me this month. My dear friend saved me. I will make her the most beautiful piece of art work that I can to thank her for her generosity. Blue it needs to be blue. Blue and beautiful and bodily.

Leaves tumble. Naoise goes up the slide again and again. Its a shelter skelter slide. He climbs on the frame and looks through periscopes that are clouded and reveal nothing.

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We make our way home up the steep bank. Naoise wants to stay and slide down tarmac slopes on his scooter at dizzying speeds. He scooters so fast that his scooter sways dangerously out of control he smiles and I grimace with anxiety and marks furrows in my forehead.

I beg Naoise to come home. I turn my back on him and walk up the grass bank. He calls my name,  at first I ignore him, I think he is being difficult but in fact he has found a leaf to show me, look mummy its so big. He makes me smile, I feel guilty that I thought he was misbehaving. The leaf is the same shade as his new jacket. He needed a new jacket. I found the cheapest warmest supermarket one. Its perfect. He loves it. Small boys are easily pleased.

I must get ready to go out. Perhaps some tights, some lipstick. perhaps a dress. Its cold out. The stars will be visible. I have little energy but I will find it. The cold will wake me. My friends and the beer will comfort me. The turning season is welcoming the winter.

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