Not late, bad back, shampoo in fridge

9.12am (sat at the table at home)

Monday morning school run was a triumphant success. Getting up at 6.15am seems to be the key. The early I get up the more girl guide and prepared I can be for any eventuality.  I was late five consecutive days last week, now that is really pushing the realms of bad mum and you know parents evening is this week, better make an effort…Today me and Naoise even had time to chase each other around the playground on our scooters. I forgot to brush his hair but hey we had time to play, much more fun.

<ahhhh suddenly remember I left a scooter outside the side entrance, the kindly receptionist is placing it somewhere safe….phew>

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I am such a dizzy head at the moment. Too much going on. I put the shampoo and conditioner away in the fridge this morning much to Naoise hilarity. I have early onset dementia or I am juggling too many thoughts in my head,either way I haven’t poured shampoo into my tea yet!

I hurt my back pulling P up a tree that we were climbing. What a stupid thing to do. I am now on constant pain killers to tame the nagging.

Its very cold today and more leaves are falling. The heather on the hill has turned to rust. The green of moor and tree is becoming yellow ochre. There are spiders webs everywhere, silk dripping with dew. The light is mellow and dappling, there is blue in the sky.

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I have to write another job application today. I would rather be attending the friendship group, swapping stories, drinking cheap tea, eating cake, but I have to stay at home. I cannot split and divide my time into such small pieces of cake that there is no time to do or achieve anything.I haven’t made it into the studio all term. I have had to focus on job hunting. Without a job the studio is not a possibility. I need money at least to sustain the children and the house and I need money at least to sustain a practice. I have so many projects that I would like to realise physically but instead they remain pixels. Pixels wanting to be printed. Words wanting to be made into books.

On the table in front of me, a hat, a green plastic box containing soap, leaves collected from the peoples park in halifax. A colour note to myself yellow ochre and mauve. I love this combination. I want to draw and paint and make. I want to get a job so I can concentrate on art and the children and not have to worry and stress over money and debt all the time.

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Syd said thanks for making his breakfast this morning. He kissed me good day. I had a kiss from S a kiss from P and a kiss from N today. There might not be a lot of money but there is love, always love. Its never perfect, its far from perfect, its just mucking in and getting on and hoping that life gets easier or at least different.

I will wait to hear back about the job interview I went to, I have convinced myself that I was unsuccessful, this way I am never disappointed. If you expect nothing then you will be constantly surprised, pleased and satisfied. I have moved on already. I need to concentrate my efforts on the other job, the other form filling and bureaucracy.

 

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