Rainy miserable Monday

9.52am

I thought I might make the studio today, but the house still calls for my attention. Its not just the domestic work, I am feeling shattered. I struggle with being the main carer of the children. I love the children it just all seems relentless. They are both at school, but I am still on call, and the school day is very short and the time between drop off and collection flies by.

I woke up when P came in from the pub last night and then I woke up at five this morning and then just rested until it was time to get up at seven. Sunday was good, I went to Townley Park in Burnley with my friend and her family. Naoise scootered along with his friend and had a glorious time. It was a woodland festival so there were hedgehogs to stroke, arrows to fire and birds of prey to marvel at. There was a re-enactment group wondering around in army uniform. We heard the guns fire. It sounded scary and probably was very frightening for the animals. The kestrel went awol and fled into the trees and the bird of prey man spent the whole of the afternoon trying to get his bird back.

Sipping coffee after a small wet walk up the hill. Its raining. Drizzle rain. Wetter than wet rain. I feel fragile. I feel china cup rather than mug. I stripped the sheets from me and Naoise bed, they looked filthy, they are now tumbling around in the dryer. The bed in the middle bedroom is covered with neat piles of laundry. A laundry forest. I will have to tackle the putting away of the piles.

I need to find some inspiration. Some energy. I have lost my drive. I have lost my artist identity. I have been questioning the whole artist thing. I have doubt. To be an artist its no good to have doubt, one needs oodles of confidence and self belief. I wonder how I will pay for the studio. I have no work coming in. Need to get paid work. Need regular paid work.

Spoke to mum whilst out on my walk talk about the labour party, Andy Burnham. She is sad about Yvette Cooper. Its a shame that there are no women in the shadow ministry. Its wet and damp and grey. Two birds fly through the nothing. Mum had organised her roof to be fixed. You need a strong roof to see the winter through in Scotland.

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Naoise struggled to get up today. He had a shower then wanted to watch an Ooglie before we left the house. The extra five minutes of the programme stressed me out but it was probably easier to be a little slow than manage the melt down involved in saying no. I must say no. I must be clearer. Its best to choose the arguments that are worth fighting. He went into school happily.

Syd was up and dressed this morning and out nice and early but he was unhappy about lack of bus money and brunch money. It was raining and he wasn’t going to take a coat, I persuaded him that it was a good idea. When it rains it rains here. There can be days and even weeks of rain. It will take a while for Syd to settle into the new routine. It will take a while for us all to adjust to the new school term.

The hare bells and heather that I picked last week are still bright and happy, purple and blue.

I am glad to hear the buzzer as I have emptied my head of all primary thoughts. Time to move on with the day.

Beep beep beep beep.

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