Phew, a sigh of relief

09.17am

First day back at school for Naoise. As I rummage around in his wardrobe to find a decent enough uniform for his return to school, I realise that he probably does need some new things. The trousers are all decent enough but all his white shirts are covered in stains. Red shirts are much better than white they hide all the sins.

Syd is getting up, he isn’t back to school until Thursday, so life of routine resumes then. I wished I hadn’t drunk the large glass of home brewed damson wine, it tends to banish brain cells forever. I was up though, up UP UP this morning, and Naoise although tired was very good and helpful and happy about going into year two. I got a big hug from him when we got to the top of the ramp. Things change and move on, children grow up quickly, I held onto his hand until the last. I have for the past two years been taking him into his classroom, that stopped today. One last job for me and him. He is happy to grow up. He said as we walked to school that he has had a lovely holiday with me but wants to be back at school now.

I was happy to be sending him back to school, after seven weeks of organising play and activities and day trips out, I am exhausted and my brain is dead and I am glad of the routine. Thanks institution. Thanks fences. Thanks education. Thanks lolly pop man for crossing us safely across the road. Thanks , I probably don’t have the energy to be constantly in the presence of my children, we all need to have some space, some independence from each other. The gap in the day filled with learning is good for me and them. The job search or further study search needs to begin in earnest. I cannot live the sludge life again, I cannot let the school year run through to summer without making changes. CHANGE. Just try to make change. A slight change.

My friend said that when he returned to my home yesterday a squirrel came in through the cat flap. A squirrel. I was delighted by the story. Our yard has become quite the nature reserve. This morning I spotted not only robins but blue tits a coal tit and a little finch of some sort balancing on the clothes line. I am glad that I decided against getting a new cat. I decided against a new cat as the main road out side our home is a killer and I do not wish to make any more sacrifices.

The day started badly. I try to communicate. It always starts badly when I try to communicate, when I try to be kind and thoughtful. When I try to plan for the next few days. I am living a solitary existence. I live in a house with two men and two boys but really I only see my boys, the other adults are pretty absent. I carry on. I manage myself and the children and just get on with things and try not to moan. I am exhausted. Thanks to school, I have some respite, I have some rest but I haven’t had any rest for    49 days. This is day one. This is my new beginning. I don’t have a new uniform and I have nothing to go back to other than a studio. A studio that now costs me double the amount that it did before the summer break. I have no idea how I will cover the costs. I have no work on the horizon. I have no job to go back to. My mum will help me for a while, but I cannot rely on her, its unfair. I must find a way of getting paid, I must.

Writing this is a contract to myself, a promise to try. To try.

Syd downstairs for breakfast, dressed and wanting to make plans. Writing to stop. Children even fourteen year old children demand and need attention. The kettle boils.

 

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