Horrid rainy Saturday

8.27am

I just sent Naoise back up to bed, I wanted fifteen minutes to myself to write this. Ive been awake since just before six, I am shattered, I will struggle to get through today. I am glad that I drank only a little last night. I think that moderating my drinking is a positive step. Drinking fuels my anger and frustration. I have started trying to look for work, and I can see its going to be difficult trying to fit it in around the children, it seems impossible.

Yesterday in the playground, I received a call from a sure start centre worker who can help me with my search for work. I have to accept this help. I need help. I asked for help. I will ring back Monday when the children are at school. One step at a time.

I am enjoying collecting Naoise from school, its the best feeling seeing his face light up when he comes out. After school yesterday we went to the park beside the school. I love watching him play. He scootered with his friend and then played in the scrub, swinging from ropes and brandishing sticks. He and his friends decided to do some gorilla gardening, they tore into the himalayan balsam jungle with their machete sticks. Naoise was accidentally banged on the ear by his friend, I could see he was in pain. I talked to the children about giving some space and distance from each other to prevent hitting each other. They listened and were very good about giving each other some space.

Friday after school pick up always feels so jubilant. The excitement and anticipation of the weekend. Getting away from the institution, being free. When you are not working in paid employment the buzz of the weekend is less. I think you feel that you deserve a rest and some fun when you have been in structured paid work. I have to allow myself the joy of rest. I did work hard yesterday, cleaning floors, baking, washing up, sorting, hoovering, hanging out clothes, I hardly stopped to think, to breath. Being productive. What is work. What is rest.

I am looking forward to the Labour leadership election results, there is so much fear moungering around Jeremy Corbyn and his anti austerity politics. There is so much talk about the party falling apart and going back to the 1980’s of being unelectable. Is this not propogander, what is it that they actually fear?

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I bake bread and I bake cake and I think of what else I can make that is homemade and cheap and healthy. I have to use what food there is in the house and from the allotment. Its a very tight month, I am spent up on school uniforms and day trips out from the summer holidays. I have used up all the petrol in the car.

I haven’t made it back to the studio yet. I need to buy a bookcase to contain my art library, the proliferation of books was getting in the way of making.

I want to have an open studio of some description, a small exhibition of my work on mothers stories. It would be good to celebrate this space and my commitment to it. Give it a party a cake and some tea.

I think about wanting to make some drawings and paintings with Naoise. I would like to make some drawings onto some cheap canvas material that I have. Its a rainy day, maybe he would be happy to make some art with me today. Syd will be doing a bike race in Hebden so ¬†maybe me and Naoise could hang out in the studio for a while. I will want to watch Syd, but its very wet and rainy and I don’t want to be hanging out in the cold.

Footsteps on the stairs, best to bring this to a closure before its interrupted by the family.

Notes 

Naoise tooth came out in August, but what date ?

After leaving the park with Naoise and crossing at the zebra, I had to return to the park to hide his stick behind the tree. I got frustrated, instead of getting frustrated about this, I need to be more patient and understanding. His values are different than man, he isn’t watching the clock and whilst I am not officially working then I have the time to be patient. I had the time to return to the park and of him to hide his stick. What about making some gold leafed sticks or photographing his sticks. Sticks. Important sticks.

 

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