Have I lost the mother in mother’s stories ?

9.27am

Miracle my boy child is still asleep. I creep and tip toe around the house. Sip coffee. No butter so white toast with jam, probably healthier anyhow. Have given up trying to loose the holiday pounds and have resorted to maintaining my weight that I chalk up on the kitchen blackboard each day. I have slipped into bad routines of comfort eating, snacking, a glass of wine here and there during the week. Its impossible to get out to exercise. I try to keep active and do different stuff with Naoise each day. We have had only one really lazy day of staying in.

I enjoyed having Naoise friends to play yesterday and was so glad of the good weather so that we could play in the park as opposed to the soft play centre. How I hate soft play centres, useful yet soul destroying. The children play so happily when outside. They splashed in the river, collected stones and objects that they found, and with these objects created a village settlement and two castles. The children chattered about mind craft  but physical town planning has got to be more exciting. Stones balanced onto each other to make houses, rugs of grass, a well, a blacksmiths, a bakers, small fires to warm the village square and even flowers. We made tiny bows and arrows from small sticks and grass.

We played on the swings and the seesaw. I was on one end of the see saw the three boys on the other.

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Naoise still sleeps. I am vigilant, I keep thinking he will wake and I will have to sneak the computer away really quickly. I have banned screens during the day. They are only aloud in the evening after his dad gets home. Its an iffy day weather wise, all grey the threat of rain looming, the tress blowing in the wind. It feels as if the end of summer is near yet I haven’t even begun to touch it yet. I feel out of touch with nature. The robin gets bolder by the day. She waits in the yard for patrick to feed her early in the morning and I can hear her singing out side right now. Yesterday when the family support team from the sure start centre were visiting to tell me about a friendship group she came inside the kitchen again. Its really sad when she does this as she panics and bats her wings against the window in a desperate effort to escape. If her wings had the power they would break the glass with her panic.

Five minutes set on the buzzer, I forgot to set it to fifteen.

I watched an Horizon programme about neolithic man based upon new archaeological finds around Britain. It was amazing, especially a track of footprints preserved in a mud flat only made visible by a sping tide. I wonder whether Syd would like to see this, I would happily watch it again as it was packed with amazing information. I managed a short trip to the studio, I am having a panic about what work I am going to do come September there is some urgency as my studio rent has doubled. I cannot survive on the little bits of work that I created for myself I need a proper regular job. I spoke to the family support team and hopefully I will get a little help from someone. I need a good kick up the arse to get me to fill in forms, to be proactive to think I can do things and not make up a million excuses for not being able to. I need to find my will power, strength and confidence. Maybe the voluntary work that they mentioned will help.

I have been trying to be a good friend, I have looked after a dog, babysat for children, built a gate. I haven’t been totally thinking of me. I am trying to reach out to move beyond the domestic.

The buzzer on the oven has sounded

It was helpful to get to the studio last night, to look at a series of collages that I had made.  I need to return to this body of work.

Mum was meant to come over today to keep me company and then to babysit later on but she is unwell and has cancelled. She sounded dreadful on the phone. I understand.  I will see her before she disappears to her North of Scotland home once more. I was sad to miss her today her visit had kept my spirits up all week. Luckily I have been invited over to my friends for lunch so I cannot be too  sad about missing her. I am realising how much adult company keeps me happy, I need to move beyond this imaginary childcare world. Its an escape and a prison. I need to grow up, or at least make a step beyond. Step forward. Make a track. Make prints. Footsteps. A line. I need to stand up on my own two feet again and stop being dependent and lacking.

 

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