Another day of childcare another day of unemployment

8.19am

I am so so relieved that I no longer believe, feel or imagine there to be a piece of plastic in my throat. The ENT appointment was pretty horrible. I had a small camera stuck down my neck into my throat, but the consequences of this procedure are so positive, as it told me for sure that there was nothing at all there. I am unstuck. There is no stuck. The sensation of imagined plastic in my throat had paralysed me for two weeks.

I hear the chirping of robins in the back yard. Pause. I unlock the back door and look out incase it is a hungry fledgling asking for oat cake crumbs. I have become quite attached to my little bird visitors. They are very brave and scamper around the table even when I am sat outside.

Sip tea.

Naoise is fast asleep, though there is no knowing how long he will stay asleep and exactly how long I will have with my own thoughts. It is always a race to get this done. The house has returned to a state of perpetual caos. I am low on energy, days and days of childcare drain me. I keep having to remind myself that this is temporary, school will begin again and the morning rush is just as draining as the constant being with child.

I should be applying for jobs but its too challenging when each day is dictated by child care and then my partner works freelance in the evening too. I scrape away at the small in-betweens to salvage something of life for myself. I struggle to see anyway out of the situation that I am in and resign to the fact that the summer holidays is not a time to be fighting for my autonomy, independence and financial freedom. Childcare and unemployment have to just be excepted for at least the next three weeks. The time will fly. I think that this is the midpoint. The midpoint of exhaustion.

Spoke to Syd last night he was sat on a bench on the coastal path in Norfolk near his campsite. It was good to speak to him and get a sense of where he was. He told me about flat seas and grainy beaches and of boredom. I told him that he wasn’t missing out on anything here in Todmorden. He told me he had collected stones for me from the beach. I look forward to holding them in my hands. He told me that there were kites and sea buzzards circling above.

Yesterday my friend helped me by looking after Naoise so that I could go to the ENT appointment and  in return I joyfully helped my friend to build a willow gate in her garden and to clean out her guinea pig cage. Later we went to the allotment, ate an ice-cream, cut the grass, dug up potatoes. Naoise made a mud pie home for a worm. Naoise swung on the swing and kicked his boots off. Naoise shouted and screamed NAGOOO NAGOOO NAGOOOO and his call reverberated around the cliffs above. Naoise swung in the hammock. Naoise tried to do everything to get my attention away from my friend. I loved having her company. These days are long. Naoise is great company but I need adult company too. I am mostly on my own with him.

There were blue tit fledglings playing on the plastic barrel of water.

Labour leadership election information booklet arrived yesterday, need to read and vote.

The oven buzzer sounds, incessant, calling me to stop this, to wash up bowls, to busy myself with domestic dull, I will make another cup of tea, calm myself, dream up something fun to do with Naoise. I need to get out even though its all overcast and dull and boring looking weather.

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