I am drinking weak coffee, it should be strong. There is a medicinal quality to caffeine. It keeps weary adults awake. I haven’t had my sleep interrupted, but last evening was dreadful. I had hoped for peace. There is no peace. Raising a teenager is defiantly challenging, negotiating the ethics of branded goods, of what to me seems like obscene needs and wants. Everything my eldest child wants for goes against all of my ideals. Maybe this is exactly as it is meant to be. A child rebelling, pushing away. There is too much tension. Too much anger and frustration and destructive outbursts. What have I done? What have I done? I have been here before this dark place where anything and everything you do as a parent results in a pile of crap. I try not to blame myself. There is no one to turn to. There is no one. We are on our own.
Walking along the pavement away from Naoise school, I watched a mother talking on her mobile phone whilst her child dragged along two cuddly toys on a piece of string. It looked fun but I did worry about all the dog poo on the pavements ..all those slugs and snails and disgusting dirtiness all over her white fluffy cuddly toys. I have a thing about dog poo on pavements it makes me mad with anger. Mad with anger at the dog owners that leave it on the pavements. Pick up your dogs shit! I want to shout….Only last week little Naoise trod in a pile of it on the way to school, I had to try and remove it with leaves and sticks, then in the classroom more soap and paper towels, so horrid. I noticed another woman who has three young children is clearly pregnant, I cannot imagine having so many children so close together in age. I noticed how her belly button protruded from the underneath of her t-shirt.
I am struggling to get a flow to this writing the buzzer on the oven has sounded, but I have given myself another five, to help me out, be kind. I can break my own rules. I can break the structure.
I haven’t managed a run now in about six weeks or more. I have become weakened by depression and anxiety and I am falling into bad routines. Cake. Cheese. Inward thoughts. Paranoia. I look out. I look out on the world but it tumbles in. I am lacking in self esteem. I know all these signs and symptoms all to well. I have been fretting about writing this. How people judge. Have I created a monster? Have I said too much? Confessed things to this glass screen that I will later regret? Forgotten that when I click publish, anyone, anywhere can read this. The walls of my home are transparent in this world. You can see everything. You can see right inside my thoughts.
The buzzer sounds again. Time to leave this place.