You should feel no shame

9.28am

A caotic morning of conflict and dissent.

An unplanned drive to drop Syd off at high school.

A disagreeable younger child.

A dangerous double scooter run to Naoise school.

A lorry blocking the pavement.

An almost collision by me into a parked red car.

The lollypop man thought it very funny.

Your scooter is too small mum he said.

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I am riding on Syd’s stunt scooter in parallel with Naoise on his. Its a bad idea, the pavement isn’t big enough for two of us traveling at speed.

A discussion in the playground, my friend has had an incident with the sentry guard teaching assistant too……gladly no guards on duty today just a smile from the kind mature woman.

We got into school, I did try to encourage him to go in alone, but he still needs me to walk him down the corridor, hang up his coat, give him a cuddle and a kiss.

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There is the institution of school, there is the institution of motherhood. There are rules and fences and boundaries. There are high fences and windows placed so high that you cannot look out.

The sun is shining. I talk to my neighbour about the weather on his way to feed the chickens. He tells me that there was a wild storm the other night.

I was away.

Last night I slept all the way through. I did not wake once. Its so good to sleep. To sleep all the way through the night.

Faith Wilding saw my talk at The Motherhood and Creative Practices conference, she sat on the front row of seats and smiled at me when I showed the picture of Naoise having a tantrum. Afterwards she spoke to me with kind and supportive words, she liked what I was writing she said it was very strong and poetical and that I should feel no shame. 

I need to explore this idea of shame.

Griselda Pollock warned against self hating and questioned the theoretical framework of the Mother/Artist…..she wondered what had happened to Woman that was an Artist.

The buzzer on the oven is sounding beep beep beep beep…..beep beep beep beep.

 

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