The sun and my sons

16.58pm

There is no sense to this project, it has lost its structure again. I just fit in writing when I can. Need to rein it in, set a time, when I woke early, when I wrote first thing, that worked, but I couldn’t sustain it.  Could I, should I, write before sleep? That would make more sense? Then at least I would have the day behind me.

Syd has gone to the gym. Patrick and Naoise are on there way home. Its good to be home alone.

I spent the day with Syd in Manchester shopping for some clothes for him. It was a soul destroying activity. Shopping is pretty miserable. I can never understand it is meant to be an enjoyable activity. Everything is so expensive and it all looks the same to me. I sat on the floor in one shop and just gave up and looked at a book whilst Syd perused the aisles, he didn’t like any of my suggestions. I sat on the floor and had a good look at all the aimless shoppers.

A little girl kept telling her dad I am tired, I am tired, she must have been about four. Her dad ignored her pleading. She saw me sitting on the floor and decided to sit beside me. Her parents smiled. She was interested in what I was doing, she wanted to look at the pictures in my book. I am reading The Summer Book by Tove Jenson. I showed her the pictures of Finland. She was interested but disappointed that there were not more pictures. I read her some of the words, she looked up and said to her parents Mum, Dad, don’t leave me she suddenly seemed to realise that I was a complete stranger. I reassured her that they  would not leave herI wished that I had had some paper so that we could have drawn. A lovely, brief encounter with this trusting little girl, I do wish that I had a daughter as well as my sons. Syd returned with a stash of clothes to try on and I went to assist him.

Syd chose some green shorts with little whales squirting water embroidered onto the surface of the material and a navy blue polo shirt. I liked the whale pattern. I liked that he was holding on to boyhood to fun, to pictures not just logo’s.

It was a difficult trip. I panic about shopping. I am skint and everything is over priced. I try not to spend anything, but thats virtually  impossible in a city. I feel decadent just buying my son a couple of items. I notice all the homeless people begging on the pavements. There are noticeably more and more people living on the streets. It is obscene. What has happened to our society? How can we let this be?

When I sat down reading my book in the shop I looked at all the kitchen objects and frames and home decor thingies for sale and I wondered what the hell is this all about. Its totally meaningless. Money being exchanged for non essential house clutter. Nik naks to contemplate what ? Things to accumulate dust. Crappy consumerist clutter.

I was happy to go home, to speed home on the train.

Last night I went out for a walk. I wasn’t getting along with anyone. Syd was out. I thought it best to take myself out. I thought about calling for a friend but I felt too miserable to burden them with my woes. Instead I drove to The Bridestones above Todmorden, past the golf course, past the deer farm, along the winding road and its stone walls.

I stopped the car in the lay-by. I noticed the hand painted don’t tip rubbish signs. I got out, rang my mum as I walked towards the ridge and the stones. Past bog cotton waving. Past pressure. Past a wooden bridge. A path walked between the grass. A couple eating a picnic on  the stones. I talked to mum. I told her my woes. She listened. As I am talking to her I notice a barn owl. It has a distinctive flight, soft, airy, light, a large wing span, white, ghost. Diving for mice, then lifting again. Its the first barn owl I have ever seen here in the ten years that I have been living in this place. Lovely to spot it as I talk to mum. She is thrilled to hear about the flight of the owl.

The sun falls red behind the rocks. I imagine camping up here, watching  dawn break as well as sun set. I imagine my ancestors watching the sun. Watching the sun. Simple passions. Watching the sun is like watching my sons. I am drawn in by their beauty. The sun and my sons.

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