Rushing around Saturday
Not much to say. Woke too early with a hangover. Mum staying. Jumped into bed with her for a while, but she is so so awake I decide its best to retreat back to my own bed in the attic. Its just lovely to have her staying with me, though I know that the stay will go fast. Rush around buying presents for parties and then showing my mum my work in the Water Street art gallery, then taking her for coffee and cake. Everything always a rush, wish it wasn’t like this. Its hard just to carve out half and hour with her. Never mind. Take Syd to the gym, Naoise to a party. For the first time ever I decide to leave Naoise on his own at the festivities. I am not in the mood for small talk, just want to be quiet and peaceful. Not feeling very sociable. Need to hide in my shell. Retreat. Protect.
Whilst Naoise was at the party sat at the dinner table and looked at the work of Norwegian photographer Marie Sjøvold in particular her Midnight Milk and She is/Dust Catches Light series. Read article and watched video about her work via the British Journal of Photography: How motherhood changes us
After collected Naoise from the party. He is so happy, when I arrive he is bashing a piñata and then he runs around cuddling his friends, he doesn’t want to leave. His friend gives him a bomb that he has made out of an empty cotton roll, a bell and some ribbon. We leave and drive to the allotment.
The grass has grown long. Its cold, the wild flowers have not germinated. Nothing a blank of soil. The potatoes are coming up and the onions are sprouting. Naoise swings and pulls off the heads of the purple sprouting broccoli. The herbs are growing well and the apple blossom is just out. Its cold. I talk to an allotment friend about the cold everything is slow this year. Still we leave with a bunch of rhubarb some broccoli and mint. Rhubarb for crumble. Broccoli to accompany a vegetarian meal and mint to make into tea.
I collect Syd from the roadside on the way home. Make tea. Seems strange baking the crumble its been a long while since I have made a desert. I have been so serious about losing weight. I remember how much I love baking. I love the process of crumbling the butter fat into the flour and preparing the rhubarb, its so satisfying when its your own produce. I love rhubarb its beautiful flamingo pink colour and tart taste. Rhubarb fool is perhaps my favourite of all.
Feed the family, then me and Syd go out. Syd goes to youth club, I go and see a friend. We walk down the canal path together, its a lovely sunny evening, I am glad to be out of the house.
I buy some flowers and a bottle of wine on the way. I thought I was just seeing couple of friends but in reality a party has been organised. I am not in a party mood. So many people. I am not prepared for a big social gathering. I stay for a while shake hands, smile,try to have fun, to join in but the small talk and the extra alcohol just makes me sad. I feel dull and without energy. I don’t fit at this party. I leave without saying goodbye, sometimes its good just to make a quiet exit, no point in struggling with socialising especially when its not making you feel good. I am glad to go. I am glad of the walk.
I am glad to go to bed. I open the window, look at the stars, I can’t see the moon. I am glad to curl up beside Naoise. Life is simple. Its about the stars and the children, anything else is dull by comparison. Its easy to loose sight of the point of it all, but the point is close to home. Hold your family dear, cling to it above all else. Don’t get distracted by others. Focus. All I need is here in this upstairs space, me and my delightful children. Boy and Boy-Man.