Motherhood does not always feel like shit brown or poo brown, as I politely referred to it the other day much to the hilarity of Naoise when my mum was visiting. There is nothing more pleasing than a child with an infectious laugh, I was ordered to repeat the joke three times over.

Patrick is sleeping in the attic bedroom with Naoise, although its the smallest room in the house, a bed and a bookcase fits under the roof eaves and a wardrobe that was constructed in the room itself provides storage, It is a squash and a squeeze. Here though you probably get the best nights sleep, because it is at the back of the house you don’t hear the noise of the cars passing on the main road, just the sound of the river flowing at the back.

Cars zoom past. Today is a spring day, its warm and the sun is shining. I put on a thermal vest and a light silk top, I am still in the North of England where  you have to cover all weather eventualities.


A cough. Its Patrick. Phew.

All this creeping and getting up early to try and write in-between the caring. The buzzer on the oven sounds telling me that my allowed fifteen minutes of reflective time is up….I will give myself another five.

Patrick comes downstairs and tells me he is going to nip to the shop to buy toilet roll and toothpaste and coffee……

I sometimes wonder if all this mothering isn’t particularly healthy for me, I really do struggle, especially when I have to look after the children full-time. Looking after the children pulls me towards the bottle of wine and the chocolate treats, it pulls me towards the food of comfort.

Oracle bones …..if I had an oracle bone, what would it look like, what future would it tell in-between the cracks ? Did I ever imagine this, me with two boys fathered by two different men, me as a mother? I think I did imagine mothering but I don’t think I got further than what a baby in my belly would feel like, how could I imagine this?

Syd returns this morning, I will catch just a couple of hours with him before getting on the train to London of my mothers conference retreat.


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