CRY

Wake up. Slept heavy. Syd awake already, he calls me into his bedroom, he is busy reading news on his iPad in bed. Mum the Tories have got in! I am filled with absolute horror.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I am filled with horror and shock.

WHY WHY WHY

I am filled with dread. I remember so clearly the last conservative government and the damage that was done.

ANGER burning in my heart.

What are we to do? Our children’s futures are at risk. Our health our work our homes our planet. Fear and hate must not prevail. I try to suck it in. There must be a period of mourning. I will save up and buy some DM boots. I will need sturdy boots to walk. I will need sturdy boots to put on so that I can attend as many demonstrations as I can. I will teach the children how to demonstrate. I will take them with me. With them we may make a difference. We will act. We will overcome. We will fight. We will show our rage against austerity.

AUSTERITY does not work.

My family will rebel, we will not become depressed we will work together with those who care and we will ask why and listen to those who voted tory, so that we can understand, so that we can hopefully change minds and build a better future.

There will be RAGE on the streets. I will not curl up, give up and live in a bubble I will not give up on the outside world. I will not tow the line.

I speak to my mum on the phone. I am in tears.

I go to the studio. I listen to some music on the way. Jimi Somerville singing his heart out on radio 2. I really am getting middle aged, listening to radio 2.

I will not fall in tears I will CRY I will CRY with my voice in rage I will CRY with my voice. I will stand up throw my fist in the air, show my solidarity. CRY LOUD CRY IN PUBLIC. I will think and plan and CRY against this government and its callousness.

I work in the studio, preparing the Visualising Birth through Art workshop, making plans, writing notes, putting together the booklet I have compiled. I feel proud. Need to work on the booklet further, make it into a solid piece of research, a learning tool for others, a way of making a living from all my hard work. I need to at least pay the bills. Carve out a way to make a living.

Collect the children.

I am happy that my friend is coming over for tea. It will be good to see her, we need to catch up. She is a kind friend. Fun. She is as much a friend of the children’s as she is of me. The best kind of a friend. We drink tea and talk. We talk about politics. We talk about family and work. We eat food together. Her company is so uplifting. I am not lonely. I don’t care that its not until late that Patrick comes home. I am happy in her company.

Too much conversation about politics. I am working the next day. Its all too intense. I want to switch off my critical head for a while, have some moment of peace.

I watch the last episode of Poldark and then wish I hadn’t. The landscape shots are beautiful, romantic, uplifting but the narrative bleak; ¬†illness, poverty, loss of a baby, and an arrest.

Poldark will be back.

I tried to escape into a bubble. I did. The bubble was bleak too. There is no escape. Best to work with the now, with reality.

I go to bed late. Too late. At least in sleep there maybe some escape ?

 

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