The dead rabbit
22.56pm ( awake since 6.30am)
Its dark. I am still coughing badly, sometimes I feel short of breath. When I cough I wee too. Coughing and seeing simultaneously isn’t great. I must remember to make a doctors appointment which is always a challenge as you need to ring at 8am, this is the worst time ever to be hanging on a telephone line waiting and waiting and waiting. I will try. I will try tomorrow, must not forget, need to look after myself. Patrick has panicked and frightened me with potential doom and gloom diagnosis. I am sure there is nothing to worry about. I am sure that I am just a bit run down, perhaps I need some antibiotics, who knows I am not a doctor. I now feel rather paranoid. I am tired its been a long day. Need to rest, to stop thinking.
I got back from running my evening class and both children were still awake. A cruel home coming. I cannot work out how Naoise manages to stay awake so late. More understandable to find Syd awake he is a teenager after all.
I hear the river, bubbling and gurgling.
In the library I heard a baby crying in a pram. I recall stressful loud cries. I am here cries. I will make myself heard cries. I don’t want to be here cries. Push me outside NOW cries. I wished the wheels of the pram along and out.
I wonder why all I can see are prams and lines of baby clothes.
You cannot return to the place you have decided to leave.
I hear the owl.
I hear Naoise steady breathing.
I hear cars pass on the road.
I look at the Octonaut Pod all orange plastic and garish.
I notice the banana skin that needs to be composted, piles of clothes that need putting away.
I spoke to my mum. She is well and enjoying her peace and quiet. Dad has been planting more willow trees, sadly the rescued Emperor Moth has died. The nest that she discovered remains empty. She is convinced that she could have disturbed the bird when she arrived back at the house.
I ran the route past Lumb Falls. Its a beautiful and isolated spot. Lots of curlews and lambs bleating. A few ruined buildings. Big farms breeding pedigree dogs and keepers of pigs and horses and chickens. I run a little, walk a little. Its bright and sunny and I wished I had all day to run and to walk. Perhaps one day I should give myself the gift of time and do just that…walk and walk until its time to collect the children from school.
Must manage some drawing before the week is through. Perhaps the studio via a bike ride tomorrow. I’ll leave the computer at home so all I can do is make marks. That will be good, it must be done.