Lack of focus
6.40am (awake since 5am, got up 6.30am)
I have woken up feeling anxious. My body aches all over from the fell running yesterday. Its mainly my lower back that hurts. I have my period again and I feel all bloated. I look in the mirror and pinch the rolls of fat stuck to my hips and I think of the Linda Benglis lead pieces I saw at The Hepworth. Such as Meteor and I feel like that, heavy and fatty, melting onto a floor. I wish I looked more like one of Naoise stick people. I am anxious that I haven’t lost any weight. I try so hard. I’ve cut down substantially on cheese and alcohol and sugar and all comfort and fun. Last night I ate cake and drank wine. Patrick is stressed out and its starting to take its toll on me, I am glad that Syd is away in Paris so that he gets a break from the tensions at home. There is definatley a correlation between food and feelings and anxiety for me. If I feel stressed I want to eat sugary things….and there is plenty of cake hanging around in the house right now.
I think that children pick up on parents worries. Naoise is being persistently stubborn and difficult, a child cannot always articulate their feelings, it can manifest itself in acts of defiance and rebellion. Last night it was the battle of brushing teeth….again. I am trying to keep my cool, and not show Naoise that he is stressing me out. I am going to try and coax him to school with the scooter. He loves to ride his scooter and all his best friends are riding theirs to school too.
I am feeling anxious about writing this blog….is it focussed enough? My mind wonders and gets distracted, moves off the point of axis. Wobbly. I am having a wobble. Focus. Life isn’t like that though, is it? Least mine isn’t, I cannot always see the wood for the trees, or the table for the lego. Lego has literally taken over my front room. Naoise has had a lego fest of a birthday week. Patrick showed me a photograph that he had taken of Naoise hand reaching into a pile of lego spilt on the floor. I love it when Patrick spends time with the children,building and drawing, giving him them his undivided attention. He is a very hands on dad. Naoise is lucky to have him, and I am grateful that he enjoys the children. The love is clear.
I am feeling anxious because when I look at other blogs they look neat and concise and don’t wonder off track. I probably cannot help that though, thats how my head is fixed. It sparks in one direction and then another. I just need to draw, that will help. Or I need to transform and develop some of the ideas that I have started here. I wanted to make the film of me pushing the empty pram up and down the hill. I wanted to join together the films of the black clothes pegs swinging on the line. I wanted to develop the ideas of the moss on my body further. I wanted to mop my floor with my hair dipped in milk after Janine Antoni. So many ideas and what seems like so little time to realise them all sufficiently. I am literally all over the place.
I probably should write a list, work through it, tick each thing off. Perhaps this is just how I work, how I sketch, the most important ideas will rise to the surface, they will become art.
I found this blog site called The Reluctant Father by Phillip Toledano, its great. Its witty and honest and moving. Through it you can see his struggle to bond and love his child. To grapple with his new identity as a father. Its really refreshing to see that men struggle with becoming dads just as women struggle with becoming mothers.