7.50am ( awake in the night at 3am up at 7am)
Closing my eyes, pausing, taking a moment, don’t want to stare at the light from the screen. Ive been keeping this blog for over two months now, only another ten to go. Writing seems to speed life up rather than holding it still. I am tired, its Sunday, maybe I can write this then slip back to bed.
I didn’t receive the text message that I had been hoping to get from Syd to say that he had actually arrived at the PGL centre. The last one I got, I received yesterday;
Saturday 9.11 am Hi mum I have arrived in France xx
He will be up now, should be eating his continental breakfast, if its croissants he will be happy. He will be seeing the sights today, Arc de Triumph, Eiffel Tower, Louvre. I am only a little bit envious.
I find a text message listing items that I was arranging for him before his parting.
Wednesday 20: 33 Token for mobile play store, pillow, asthma inhalers, money in pounds for coach £30 and euros. Snacks for coach, water, small fleecy blanket….bag for dirty washing. Patricks small suitcase, reading book, NME magazine, sketchbook and felt pens.
I hope that I hear from him today. I had a look at his Facebook wall, there was a lovely photograph of him and all his friends all holding hands and looking out to sea at the top deck of the boat, how awesome teenagers are. I cling to this image, to this list, to his last message. I must learn to let go, he is safe and happy in the company of friends.
I took some photographs of my body with the moss I had taken from the dry stone wall. I lay in the bath. Patrick helped me, he noticed that the moss stank, I didn’t care too much, nature smells of earth and dirt and wet, thats ok. It was good of Patrick to help, though what he sees and what I see are entirely at odds. I need to get a selfie stick so I can do this myself.
I close my eyes. There are about six little spiders crawling around my body, I can feel their little feet on my skin, its a pleasurable sensation. I am not scared of spiders, not these outside ones, I do have an aversion to house spiders though, I am not sure if I could manage them crawling around my body. I need to develop this body of work further. I like the idea of bringing the outside in. Of moss growing out and between me and my home.
Naoise didn’t want to come to The Hepworth with me yesterday. I didn’t want Naoise or Patrick to come with me to The Hepworth yesterday. Naoise refused to leave the house, he stood holding tightly onto the runs of the chair as if they were prison bars saying I am not coming, I am staying here all day, at home on my own, I want to do colouring in, I am not coming. He looked so sweet and stubborn, I wanted to take a photograph, but I decided not too, it seemed too cruel. After an hour long stand off Patrick conceded to stay home and look after Naoise. I did feel for Patrick and Naoise. Patrick had valley fever and needed to get out, whereas Naoise just wanted to rest and stay home.
In the end they had a good day hanging out at home, and I got away, I escaped, a few hours of freedom.
I saw the Linda Benglis exhibition and did some research for the presentation that I need to give about Barbara Hepworth on Thursday. I took some images of things on the street, things that caught my eye, a metal fence prized apart and some plastic sheeting, a hair band scrunchy, a pink plastic bag… (cunts) and escape routes. The things I saw made me think of the Cornelia Parker photographs that I had seen at The Whitworth; Spilt Milk ( Jerusalem), Oil Stain( Bethlehem)
The first day of spring……the dark days are gone, hooray!