Thank **** its Friday

6.45 am

I wonder how long I can maintain this discipline of writing and posting each day. I am beginning to realise the enormity of the task. I am beginning to tire of this. Is it the words that define me or me that defines the words ? Am I being truthful, honest, or do I lie. It is important that I try not to lie. Its hard to say everything exactly as it is, mothers like to protect their brood.

rainbowsun

I spent the morning feeling hurt. There are misunderstandings and stresses and fusses and persuading coercing and encouraging. There is misbehaviour  and tantrums and cuddles and tears.

There are dishes to wash, food to cook, clothes to fold and put away. Mold to remove from walls, things to fix, reading to be done, shoes to be polished, prescriptions to be collected, rugs to be vacuumed and toys to sort.

I spent the morning feeling hurt because Patrick charged ahead to school leaving me with his bike, I shouted across the playground with distress. “What are you doing WAIT”. I did get to take Naoise into school. How oblivious he seems to my needs, our needs. I get to take Naoise in, I get to hold his hand, I get to walk down the corridor, to hang his coat on the hook, to kiss him goodbye. I love to be part of this parting, this handing over.

I leave the school and tears fall, the kindly lollypop man gives me a hug. He has seen it all. He has seen all the children crossing and crossing and growing up. He always looks you in the eye, he always greets the children. He is kind.

Later I receive an apology from Patrick, he was just trying to be kind to Naoise, get him to school on time, he was concerned that he would miss the trip to the sports centre. His intentions are good, but there are many misunderstandings. There is love.

In-between I walk and walk the tops and collect the prescription for Syd who is still unwell with stomach cramps and headaches and bad asthma and throwing up.

greenandblue

I have been jinxed, each time a PhD dealine arrives Syd falls ill and then I have to turn my attentions to him. I wonder if I can pull it off in one week, I had allocated two weeks to completing the task. I feel that I must, I must at least try. I have piles of reading to get through and words to form into neat paragraphs of clarity. I have methodologies to decipher and comprehend. Perhaps it is unrealistic to expect this of myself.

tworoads

On the tops I think of duality. Two brothers. Two brothers wrapped up close, facing each other. Two brothers, two sets of lungs lungs, two swings, two legs, two feet walking, two roads meeting and parting.

On the way to the health centre to collect Syds prescription, I fall into the grey hound charity shop. It is an old fashioned affair more akin to a jumble sale. There are always dogs sleeping and women discussing the beauty of dogs. Items are a little cheaper, there is a little less order and adhoc. I like this, I like a charity shop to offer both customer and charity a bargain. I love to find and hunt things. Amongst all this unwanted household clutter. I never know what it is I am looking for, I always hope to be surprised. A jug calls out to me. I pick it up, look all around it, look under it to read “wade”. Wade jug will do for my mum’s birthday. She is visiting today and I will give her this jug. Its one of those presents that you really wish you could keep for yourself, which is why I so want to give it away. To give away an object that carries my love.

Books arrive in the post, the Adrienne Rich book that I noted down at Lena’s 40th performance, a book on how to talk to your teenager so that they listen that M suggested I buy and Milli Hill’s book about Water Birth. A book a book with my words and my drawings printed in it. Feels like its christmas all over again. I am proud so proud to see my creative work included. Its good to hold something to smile at.

bookmillihill

I managed to get Naoise to sleep just before nine. I am winning. I am winning the battle of the night time routine. He is a funny soul. After books and milk and toast and cuddles and lights out he says ” can we play monopoly NOW’. No we really cannot play monopoly now, his mind seems to jolt awake at every last opportunity to UP. He eventually sleeps, he sleeps and I sleep and Syd sleeps. Warm and heavy and deep.

shower

In the night I wake to Naosie and his growing pains in his knees, I supply ibroprufen and knee rubs. Four o’clock awakening. I will feel it today, the sleeplessness the interruptions.

In the night I wake to Naosie and his growing pains in his knees, I supply ibroprufen and knee rubs. Four o’clock awakening. I will feel it today, the sleeplessness the interruptions.

 

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